Author: diaryofafatseamstress

Off we go-

7:00 run in the pool

8:00 – work tried to eat breakfast, didn’t work, partly because my blueberries were still a bit frozen, managed coffee

11:30 – managed to eat breakfast!!!

and that’s as far as I got and now I can’t remember what I ate, but it was ok

I’m dreading today, day what ever it is and I’m starting again, I’m dreading the headaches and tiredness that might happen. But I am armed with paracetamol and nuts. Lol.

10:00 – my stomach officially hates me and I still haven’t managed to eat breakfast.

11:00 – managed to eat breakfast despite nausea

3:00 – good stint at work, achieved a lot, feeling good and went to get my lunch (which I’m looking forward to – Thai peanut chicken salad) from under the table only to realise I left the chicken at home. Im starving and only have what basically amounts to some carrots and salad for lunch so I go down stairs to buy some chicken.

Next thing you know I have all the food…. how I went from I can get some chicken from downstairs to eating all the food is quite frankly anyone’s guess, but I’ll give it a go. I think it had something to do with being tired and stressed and having not exercised in a while. So my background stuff was not good. Then the chicken looked crap and expensive and possibly full of rubbish. Do I think I convinced myself that I might as well eat badly if I’m going to eat badly? I don’t know that’s all I’ve got. I then go into zombie mode to eat and then I fought tiredness all afternoon and almost sewed through my finger – stupid Jennie. Well I know I’m not really stupid, but it is fairly self destructive let’s face it.

19:30 – weigh in, put on 4.5lbs. Basically back to the start again. Super pissed off at myself. Mum bless her had cooked me dinner and dealt very well with me being stroppy.

Try again tomorrow, hope it goes better. Still haven’t figured out when/how to put meditation in my day. I’m also thinking I need to write this blog downstairs so that I’m not staring at technology just before bed.

The only reason I have the impetus to write this is because my brother is an amazing person who keeps prodding me to write. Thank you for being a pain in the ass.

All I want to do is keep wallowing in the shame, well, no I don’t want to wallow in the shame, I’m just too ashamed to do anything else. I feel like such a failure for not being able to just do it already, I don’t know how to believe I can. I mean theoretically I know it’s possible, but I don’t know how to believe (whole heartedly) That I am able to be a fit healthy person. I was discussing with my brother that being big is soo much a part of me. In my head I was a big person before I was even overweight. It’s easier to own the weight and size and pretend to be happy than to believe I can be any other way.

Lisa’s book and my brother have both mentioned meditation and visualising who you want to be. So I think the next step is to give that a go.

I’ve made breakfast and lunch for tomorrow so I’m good to go on that front. Just hope that I haven’t self sabotaged by not having made dinner as it’s Tuesday tomorrow and I only have fruit and busy for snacks.

Started the day late, got stuck in a time warp somewhere between getting up and getting out the door.

• 7:30 – 45 min run in pool. I felt good, but really hungry

• 9:20 breakfast at work, just about full, not sleepy. Don’t think I want to work today
• 11 – 1 power-ball, think I’m hungry already, or bored, or thirsty
• 13:22 – steak and asparagus salad, this was goooooodddd!!! But didn’t feel there was a lot of it. I think next time I’ll need to add a slow process carb (sweet potato, corn, peas something)
• 14:00 – power-ball, definitely hungry, really really want to go home.
• 16:51 – salmon, veg and sweet potato chips , went home early, reheated food I cooked last night , salmon dressing delish. Possibly ate too much. Full and sleepy

Today was weird.

Not because of anything particular either, just felt off kilter all day. But food wise it could have been much worse. I did do my food diary, but I ate everything in an unusual order so it makes more sense to rewrite it below:

• Up at 6:45 – mum forgot her costume so because I’m lame I didn’t go by myself. Instead I prepped breakfast and lunch, tidied the kitchen and worked from home for the morning.
• 8:08 – breakfast – oats, coconut milk, frozen cherries (all in the microwave for a couple of minutes). Cup of coffee with milk. This is an hour earlier than I usually eat breakfast, but I’m not mad at myself for this at this point. I felt good and ate it slowly starting work that I’d planed to do that am. I was very much enjoying eating breakfast at home and not facing a 11 hour day at work.

• 10:30 – 12:30 – 4 or 5 apricot power-balls (side note I think the apricot power-balls – supposed to be pistachio – were way too sweet and soft) 1/2 avocado, chunk of Parmesan, some sweet chilli sauce (I must throw this out on the way to bed). To be honest I didn’t feel great. This is the time period when I started to feel odd and I think I reached for food because of this. But it defiantly didn’t make me feel any better or more aligned. In-fact I think i started to feel queasy. – serious regrets.
• 13:30 – I need to set off to the studio and am aware I haven’t had lunch. But I now know I’m feeling queasy, but also am searching for anything other than food. So I used the punnet of strawberries that need to be used, the coconut milk that need to be used and some yogurt then blitzed it. Didn’t drink more than a couple of mouthfuls.

This Bitmoji probably sums up my overall attitude to food well, am I hungry/ am I ill/ I don’t want to look/ ooh what’s that. All at the same time, stumbling through life.

• 15:44 – finally feel hungry! So ate the chicken noodle soup I made this am. – Soooo goood!!!!!!! I love this meal. Felt good afterwards, but worried about my timings on food still.

• 19:30 – weigh in – maintained. I was hoping/expecting this as I know Ive not had the best of weeks. At the same time as being relieved for not putting on, and feeling that maintaining is a fair reflection of my week, there is still a part of me that’s disappointed. Then there is the fact that the numbers are not the be all and end all.
• 21:45 – finally finished cooking dinner. SW finished late, so I was already thinking it was too late to eat, however I knew that I wouldn’t prep breakfast or lunch for tomorrow I didn’t cook something. I was keen not to wake up again tomorrow with no food prepared. I may have had to fool myself to get it all done, but I now have 3 meals for tomorrow so tomorrow will be quite easy. Hopefully. I drank the rest of the strawberry smoothie instead before writing this little marathon 🙂

Any way that me done for the day. I am officially clocking off my brain. Speak to you all tomorrow lol.

Safe to say I was feeling very positive this morning. To be fair my biggest concern about today is not eating lunch until dinner time, then not eating dinner, then falling asleep on the couch. I’m also not sure I drank enough.

Today is the start of a brand new day!

Positive thinking face forward.

So far so good.

– I have eaten 3 meals, and none of them were a takeaway, one of them was a fish sandwich though, and breakfast was a block of feta, lunch was pea and paneer curry. I’m ok with this I could have done much worse.

– I did a full gym session- woop woop exercise!

– I have a full week food plan, with around 500 cal per meal (most of the recipes seem to be about 250).

– 95% sure my period has stopped, and definitely have higher levels of brain function and get up and go.

So I’m in a much better position for this week

Hell I’m sick of this!!!!! Yo yo habit crap.

Yesterday started like this:

Officially feels like a lot longer than that today. I’m feeling this:

Though achievement no 1 of the day – I did not get a takeaway breakfast and have made it all the way to work.

Which is great – bad mood but avoided temptation.

And then…….

It was about 3, I was beat, sick of not being able to work with any level of concentration or efficiency, hot and in pain. So I shut off my brain, went down stairs and bought some rubbish.

Today:

And I feel crap for it. I feel like I’ve let myself down, my family down, you lo down. I feel like a failure.

What happens here usually is I go right thats a knock out, doesn’t work get really sad:

And then eat on the sadness, than feel crap and eat some more.

I’ve had a little thunk instead though. I need to be able to equip myself better for the mood dip that comes with this time of the month, and I think planing really supper healthy food is probably not my best tactic. I think I need to plan slightly more indulgent, but healthy foods, that I enjoy.

There was also a post that was brought to my attention on one of the CML facebook pages;

Its this bit at the bottom that caught my attention, especially as the food I had been eating had purposefully been low carb, to stop the GI rollercoaster.

Is there something in my medication, that makes my body feel it needs extra carbs? I know I am far from the only one on my medication that finds it extremely hard to lose weight. Is trying to be low carb, on this medication, combined with my high BMI and a period on top too much to ask my body to cope with so it keeps short circuiting and going back to its base line mode – eat rubbish, rubbish fixes everything?

I don’t know.

I wish to god I did.

I also had a discussion about how when I go off the deep end its almost like reverting back to child/parent mode with my food (social interaction model) and that most of the time now I manage to keep things balanced, in adult/adult mode, except when its the time of the month.

Long and short I need a new strategy. Not an entire overhaul, just a little bit of adjustment.

So…

I will now plan in to have more complex carbs in my food, acknowledging both a potential need for some due to meds, and also I don’t want too much of a calorie deficit as we all know that is just setting yourself up for failure.

I will also make sure that I am looking forward to eating what’s on plan and that Ive planned more indulgent but healthy foods for my next time of the month.

So lets start try no: 3789

I have got more of a determination than I had yesterday to put food in me that’s good for me.

Woke up feeling groggy, with that funny feeling that usually means my face is swollen, with the added bonus of period pain and nausea. I’m not listing this to be a moaning mini, more to acknowledge what is going on in my body, what I’m feeling, what I usually cover up and ignore. Then find myself eating ten tone of shit. Today I’m gonna try and not do that.

Being honest about a fall sucks. I’m hoping that being honest means the number of falls and the degree to which I fall decreases. I haven’t written all my thoughts around todays food, but I will try and amend it tomorrow